Word to the wise: have a safety plan

Why have a safety plan?

Abuse is about control. The moment an abusive partner feels their power over you is threatened, the more they turn up the heat and escalate in their behaviors. The most dangerous time for women is when they leave their spouse. People cannot be too confident that a person will not do the unthinkable.  Even those in abusive relationships without physical violence can experience physical abuse for the first time when they try to leave.  

A safety plan needs be in place for any person in an abusive relationship, but especially for those who are leaving a relationship involving physical violence. Statistically, these people are more likely to experience violence on the way out.  Consider your spouse's prior level of force to help predict when it is time to leave.

If you are in an abusive relationship and planning to leave, do not share your plans with them! You may feel tempted to show your spouse your empowerment and newly found freedom. But be wise and instead silent in your plans until you have safely left. It is important to be discreet and wise with a strategy that does not involve them knowing of your plans- or it may get worse for you.  

If you are not planning to leave, you still need a safety plan. Abusive relationship can become more violent. When you (and potentially your children) are unsafe, you need a plan in place. This safety plan can be something you work on with a therapist.  

What is a safety plan?

A safety plan is a set of personalized action that can lower risk of harm from your spouse. It is a pre-planned researched action plan after consideration of legal and risk issues. 

There are more formal resources available. You can consider calling your local domestic abuse hotline to get some advice. In the US, there are many open 24 hours a day. 

Here are some general concepts for a safety plan:

• Have a spare key to the car ready to go on a moment's notice.
• Ensure your car always has plenty of fuel.
• Have a place to go that is pre-planned (e.g. trusted relative, shelter, etc.) and alert them to the potential of you coming in an urgent situation.
• Talk with people (local neighbors, nearby friends) to alert authorities if they witness abuse. 
• If you have children, consider who will look after your children in an urgent situation. 
• Consider having back up clothing and cash at the place of refuge, should you need it.
• Have a list of key phone numbers.
• Collect key documents and important information. Have these either ready to go, or copied and placed in a safe location (at loved one's home or on an icloud unknown to your spouse).
• Ensure weapons are hidden in the home, and not readily available. 
• Avoid wearing scarves or long necklaces, in case of an altercation and there is threat of physical violence
• Know how to protect yourself in order to reduce physical harm, not to win a fight: we know that abusive spouses need to "win" and may use increased levels of physical violence in order to "win." 
• When/if things gets more intense and there is potential harm, avoid being in the same room as the person and move close to a door or a place where you can safely exit. 
• Consider alerting local police of your situation (non emergently). 
• Clear your phone of prior phone numbers that you have called in the case they see your phone and detect that you are planning to leave.  
• If possible, talk with children in advance if they can understand.  Consider having a "code" word for when its time to quietly leave. Let them know its not their fault and abuse is not ok.  Older children need to know how to call 911 on their own and quietly call for help when you are not able to do so. 
• Pets: plan for who will take care of your pet, and if the destination you choose can accommodate pets. 

Leaving

• Leave quickly
• Consider having a police escort
• Do not tell your spouse you are leaving or where you are going
• Ensure phone tracking is off to avoid detection of your location
• Have a back up destination
• Never return home without the accompaniment of the police.
• Try to avoid routine destinations and stops so they cannot find you.
• If you run into the spouse, do not confront them. Get help quickly and do no engage directly with them.
• If physically harmed by the spouse, get medical care. Be open and honest about the situation so it is accurately documented.
• Remember that you cannot take everything with you. You may have to re-start your life. Don't let these things hold you back. Take the bare necessities, and things you know you will need or cannot live without.