Friends who want to help someone in an abusive relationship

Here are some Do's and Don'ts when talking with someone who is in a destructive marriage. 

DO  

• Listen to them. Allow them to share their story without interference with advice or judgement.  Listening is one of the most loving thing you can do. 
• Love them- despite any emotional volatility they may display; don’t take it personal
• Believe them- they need to feel validated especially since much of abuse is psychological abuse.  Even if you think that their spouse is an angel and this cannot be possible, listen. Many times people who abuse have a completely different façade in public then they do at home.
• Show compassion (e.g. " I am so sorry you are going through all this. It sounds stressful... or it sounds so hard")
• Acknowledge their pain and their courage to speak up.
• Provide resources
• Point out the repeated unrepenting behaviors if you see them when they don't.  Tell them it's not ok for a person to treat them like this. 
• Ask if they have a safety plan. Share your concerns if you feel they are unsafe (e.g. "I feel worried about you because I don't think that behavior is ok.")
• Pray for them

DO NOT

• Ask for more details- it's challenging to talk about things already
• Criticize them- they already have enough of that
• Judge or shame them- they may sometimes make poor decisions or have poor coping skills, but pointing out these flaws will only undermine their self-worth. Instead use edifying words (e.g. I know you to be a strong person and I know you will find a way to get through this in a more healthy way. I'll try to find you some resources...)
• Make it about you and say things like "I know what that's like, my spouse...." Everyone has difficulties in their marriage, but their  situation is very different and talking about your own experiences may down-play and even under-mine their situation. 
• Provide advice on how to be a better spouse - they have already tried everything. Suggesting that they could be a better spouse also shifts the blame on to them, which is something that continues to bind them in the cycles of destructive behavior.
• Tell them they will ruin their kids lives if they get a divorce. This only adds guilt, shame and judgement. Use edifying words such as "I know you are also thinking of the kids- this must be so tough for you."  The truth is that the kids are likely suffering through this too. 
• Tell them "just leave them!" That too puts more burden on them. There are many reasons why people stay and you do not fully understand their current state of mind.  They need you to listen and walk with them on this difficulty journey.
• Interfere with their decision or impose your views on them